Featured in July's SHAPE MAGAZINE

Featured in the July Issue of SHAPE magazine in an article called "Your perfect weekend of health", I discuss the importance of exercise and time with friends.  The article written by Jessica Migala highlights my suggestions for a happy Sunday afternoon on page 170:

*Excerpt*

2PM- GET PHYSICAL WITH FRIENDS

Spend the afternoon with your buds bike riding or bowling, suggests Aymee Coget, Ph.D. a San Francisco- based expert in positive psychology.  "Women especially benefit from bonding with loved ones, because they're inherently nurturing." she says, "And choosing to do something you love, like socializing, encourages you to seek out the positive all day long, so you wont get sucked in by the Sunday night blues later on." Being active during your meet-ups, offers a double blessing: You get a feel-good rush from being around friends, plus an extra hit of mood-lifting endorphins from the exercise...

Good Woman Stereotype is a Block to Bliss

Unhappiness comes from many things.

Some say brain chemistry.

Some say negative situations.

Some say lack of self awareness.

Some say lack of present moment awareness.

Some say lack of money.

Some say lack of faith.

Some say lack of optimism.

Some say lack of meaning or purpose.

There are so many reasons people claim to be unhappy.

I have heard it all and each unhappy person thinks they are the worst case. 

As you probably know, women tend to be more depressed more often than men. 

Statistics say double the amount!

Men tend to remain quiet about their struggle with depression and unfortunately a lot of times end up taking their own lives.

I conversed with hundreds of people about their happiness or lack there of and I have found a pattern among women.

A block to their bliss.

It is ingrained deep in the female psychology.

The desire to be a ‘Good Woman’

This pattern is based in the work of Distinguished Professor Carol Gilligan’s in feminism and identification of the self.

The good woman stereotype.

This ‘good woman’ puts everyone else’s happiness before her own.  She believes when everyone around her is happy she will be too.  Then complication sets in when day to day experiences unfold. This includes a multitude of external situations of life and how people’s emotional reactions are a roller coaster in response to them.  The good woman ties herself to any situation to ‘aid’ in the betterment of those she loves.

Little does she know her self sacrifice is actually harming the situation at hand!

This pattern among women is a barrier that must be addressed when it comes to the inability to grasp happiness from the inside; let alone sustain it.

I have heard from women all over the world from each continent tell me the same thing.

They focus on those around them instead of themselves.

Gilligan calls this the ethic of care.

Understandably so, women are care takers.  We are self sacrificial for those we love. We would throw ourselves in front of a bus for our loved ones life to be saved.

Some may argue this is a virtuous quality, yet it is highly consequential of one’s own well being.

The more we focus on those around us the less we focus on ourselves hence depression and disease ensue.

The good woman, forgets what it is like to be herself or care for herself because her servitude has become so deeply ingrained in her psyche.

This ethic of care, seems to be in the female DNA and is a culprit of a lot of misery and unhappiness in women.

Putting the good woman to the side for a moment …

The 14^th Dalai Llama encourages us  

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves.”

Dr. Gilligan verifies most women are looking outside of themselves for happiness by making those around them happy, and the Dalai Lama guides us to find peace within ourselves : an inner struggle occurs and unhappiness is the consequence.

The very idea that we can ‘make someone else happy’ is a misnomer.

Only you can become emotionally empowered.

Only you can create a frequent positive mood.

Only you can be resilient when faced with adversity.

Only you can develop deep inner contentment.

Only you can achieve states of bliss and joy.

Again, led in the wrong direction by our societal mainstream and DNA patterning.

What is the role of the good woman stereotype in depression and sustainable happiness?

PSYCHOLOGY

Esteemed gender psychologist articulates the notion of care of others over care of self.

SPIRITUALITY

World-renowned spiritual teacher guides us to create inner peace before service of others.

SCIENCE & MEDICINE

One in five women are depressed according to leading edge medical research at the Mayo Clinic.

Generation after generation, women are taught this misnomer of behaving like the good woman.

Put others before yourself.

When it comes to happiness, this is clearly a failed strategy!

I would like to propose a different path toward happiness.

One that provides emotional empowerment, a program to create frequent positive mood, practical tools for resiliency, a clear road map for contentment and quick tips to bliss.

Follow the advice of the airlines, first save yourself then save the person next to you.

When you have achieved inner happiness, it contagiously spreads up to three degrees according to Harvard research in 2008.

Instead of following the generationally taught good woman behavior of tending others before self; I want to encourage you to listen to the Dalai Llama and focus on self before others.

Happy Wife = Happy Life

Obviously you care about the happiness of those around you yet I am offering a different strategy than the good woman for better results for you and your loved ones.

Let your loved ones feel your own warmth, empowerment, positivity, resiliency, contentment and bliss through emotional contagion. Live by example.

Instead of

Forgetting yourself, sacrificing yourself, seeking to blindly fulfill impossible needs of those around you; which leaves you feeling stressed, vacuous and discontent. Consequently this behavior creates shallow relationships based on the ever-changing landscape of external reality.

Which one leads to greater states of bliss and enhanced well being of everyone involved?

Learn my 5 Steps to Sustainable Happiness and see your life and those around you uplift. See the benefits of learning how to be happy from the inside and care take those around you by offering the experience of being happy yourself.

What kind of life you can create from this place.

Bliss is no longer blocked; it is mind blowing.

Would you like to contribute to this conversation?

Dr Aymee Coget

Sustainable Happiness Doctor

Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail dot com

Author of Forthcoming Book : Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps

www.happinessmakeover.com

Sustainable Happiness: Attention Pessimists

PESSIMISM - a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen; a lack of hope or confidence in the future. A belief that this world is as bad as it could be or that evil will ultimately prevail over good.

OPTIMISM - hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something. The doctrine, especially as set forth by 17^th/18^th century German philosopher Leibniz, that this world is the best of all possible worlds.

Introducing…

REALISTIC OPTIMISM - A realistic optimist is defined as someone who looks on the bright side of life but has a realistic grasp on the present and what to expect in life.

Backlash, disbelief, disgust, false accusations, a keen dismissal, signs of anti-Pollyanna, unbelievable, out of touch with reality, insults, judgment, criticism, skeptical, point of making fun, happy idiot syndrome, impossible.

Signs of a pessimist in a conversation on happiness are highly apparent.

People have written books, articles, tv appearances all negating the positive effects positive psychology can have on someone’s life.

It is really hard to believe that America’s population is 17% optimally functioning and one in four people has a mental disorder.

So it never surprises me when I come across someone who has a hard time believing in the power of positivity.

The role of pessimism and optimism in sustainable happiness is a very important point to address.

Jinendra Swami, Messenger of Sustainable Happiness, taught me, ‘What you mind believes your body will achieve”

Dr Robert Muller, Holocaust survivor, Nobel Peace Award Nominee, Former Assistant Secretary General of the United Nations, Author of ‘Most of all they Taught me Happiness’ taught me about the power of intention.

When your intention and your beliefs align in a positive direction you are able to enhance your human experience.

During the dance of conflict in a conversation concerning sustainable happiness, I introduce the concept of realistic optimism.

A middle road of pessimism and optimism.

The main difference between the two is the notion of hope and empowerment.

Moving from hopeless to hopeful is a dynamic shift in your psychology.  One I have experienced multiple times.

When people have given up hope on traditional methods of feeling better, they are hopeless and pessimistic.

When discovering a sustainable happiness doctor or positive psychology, a lot of times, people cloud the experience with a projection that ‘this will never work’, ‘I’m your worst client’, ‘nothing works for me’

Encountering this mindset over and over, I see change.  I see results. I see hope when there was no hope.  I see happiness when there was depression.

In 2007, researchers at NYU discovered the optimism center of your brain. This point in the brain can be a cause of depression if not exercised. 

Here is a brain image: showing greater activity in brain’s rostral anterior cingulate cortex, 
TOP, and amygdala, BOTTOM, when subjects imagined positive future events.

So when sitting down with a pessimist, I ask…

What is your positive to negative thought ratio?

Usually the answer is tipped in the negative direction.

I use this as a ‘fact’ to show the pessimist that no matter what the topic may be, albeit happiness, marriage, business, etc, because of the skewed way of thinking then I am up against the general negative thinking ratio before I open my mouth.

This is a confronting experience for some as thinking of putting their thought habits in a ratio form is something new.

So I ask you…

What is your positive to negative thought ratio?

Is it what you want it to be?

How often are you feeling bad vs feeling good?

Do you want to change this thought ratio?

When learning the 5 steps to sustainable happiness this is a skill developed in steps two and three: positive mood and resiliency.

Realistic Optimism is key for your sustainable happiness.

Paying attention to developing your own optimism is essential for you to feel better now.

Listen to the discussion I have with @frandrescher about Realistic Optimism

Do you want to contribute to this conversation?

Dr Aymee Coget

Sustainable Happiness Doctor

Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail dot com

Author of Forthcoming book – Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps 
www.happinessmakeover.com 

Sustainable Happiness: Happiness Science Makes it Possible

Why is happiness science so important?

It offers a choice.

It offers a choice to learn a skill of how to feel better.

When people seek the care of a mental health professional it is because they have no other alternative.

People jump off bridges because they feel they have no choice.

This choice is the absolute most powerful way to help someone who feels like devastation, depression and suicide are the only options.

This choice is based in a learning method that can be applied just as simple as arithmetic.

If I were to line up 100 people and ask them if they knew of positive psychology, 99 would most likely say NO.

This is a science that must be brought into the mainstream to show people they have a choice.

A choice beyond complaining about you problems.

A choice beyond blaming others for circumstances.

A choice beyond victimization and disempowerment.

A choice beyond taking medication which has a side effect of suicide, lethargy, weight gain, and loss of libido or even suicide.

If I were to ask you,

‘Would you like to become fat, never sleep again, never enjoy all that sex can offer, or potentially kill yourself?’

OR

‘Would you like to learn how to learn and implement happiness science in your daily life?’

What would be your answer?

Seems clear?!

Happiness leads to better health, sleep and lasting satisfying relationships.

What is stopping happiness science from being taught more widespread?

What is stopping people from knowing they have a choice?

What is stopping you from becoming empowered over your own happiness?

Instead of waiting for goal achievement, the right person, place, thing or circumstance, you could implement this science just like chemistry and math are part of your daily experience.

At some point we all have to take charge of ourselves.  I like to think about each person as a leader: a leader of your life.

Leaders are empowered.

Leaders have a choice.

Leaders can learn and lead by example.

If you are a leader and you are not positive, then you are a detriment to those who follow you.

You have a duty to work on your own self-improvement and positivity because of the 3 degrees of separation of emotional contagion. (according to 2008 Harvard research)

I am sure you want your loved ones to be positive and feel good.

I am sure you want peace on Earth where people are healthy, happy, laughing and smiling.

I am sure you want to feel empowered over your emotional and mental experience.

I am sure you want an upward spiral in your life.

Taking the first step is empowering yourself to make that choice.

Make the decision to be happy and start from there.

Your brain expands, neuroplasticity occurs, disorders are treated as you take a conscious action in employing positive psychology according to a 2010 research study. 

The first step in the 5 steps of sustainable happiness is EMPOWERMENT

This means you choose to empower yourself over your happiness and no longer wait for a person, place, thing, circumstance or goal achievement to in front of your happiness.

Your happiness no longer is a bi product. It is the bullseye of your life.

As you grow your attention on how to empower yourself over your own emotional well being and employ happiness science in your life, you can control and unleash your upward spiral.

I fondly call this ‘magic and rainbows’

I recommend declaring your own empowerment by signing this document in red ink and posting it on your refrigerator as a daily reminder.

This is a certification created by Lionel Ketchian, et al.  to help you fortify your empowerment over your personal experience of happiness. Lionel has sustained his happiness for greater than 20 years and it was based from his 24 hour commitment to making the happiness decision.  This is indeed the most important decision of your life.

The two skills to maintaining this decision are responding to circumstances with happiness and eliminating all negative thoughts. 

Happiness science is work.

Maintaining your sustainable happiness is work.

Recommitting to your own happiness decision is work.

Learning how to sustain the happiness decision is taught in steps two, three, four and five.

Making this first step, is the biggest step and the only step to make in order for a strong foundation of sustainable happiness to be built.

Do you want to choose empowerment?

Do you want to take the first step?

Do you want to make the happiness decision?

Do you want to learn how to sustain this for the rest of your life?!

Do you want to start your upward spiral today?

Do you want to contribute to this conversation?

Dr Aymee Coget

Sustainable Happiness Doctor

Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail dot com

www.happinessmakeover.com