Dear America, Can we stop pursuing happiness & teach it?

NOTE: This blog entry is an honest reflection after almost 20 years experience in happiness education from a sixth generation American. I am proud to be an American in a lot of ways and of course there is room for improvement. In the words of President Barack Obama, “Surely we can do better than this.”

Today is the 4^th of July. I am mourning the loss of 30,000 Americans who have taken their lives because they gave up on the pursuit of happiness. That is 30,000 a year.

As people around the country celebrate their freedom of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness, I reflect on the depths of torment and suicide the pursuit of happiness has actually caused.

My heart hurts. I am sad.

Sad for those around the world who have taken their lives.

As America so blatantly blows its horn for the pursuit of happiness as a top quality in our government, I can’t help but sit back and shake my head.

Shake my head for the measly 17% of Americans who are optimally flourishing.

Shaking my head for the 1 in 4 people with a mental illness.

Shaking my head for the 1 in 10 people who suffer depression.

Shaking my head for positive psychology , which is striving to become more mainstream yet has a long way to go.

Shaking my head for mothers and fathers who are unable to council or accurately guide their offspring in an accurate direction of happiness that is a ‘sure-thing’

Shaking my head for the 30,000 people who kill themselves each year because they have given up on their happiness.

The simple notion of ‘pursuit’ of happiness puts people in the wrong direction.

Let us remove the conquest from the pursuit so happiness becomes the bulls eye instead of the bi product.

Lives could be saved. Lives could be improved. Optimal flourishing could increase.

And the three degrees of dynamic spread of happiness could be ignited on a nation wide level.

Life, Liberty and Learning Happiness

How does that sound?

The mere idea that sustainable happiness is a ‘sure-thing’ once practiced is quite notable.

It is a game changer.

We can improve the global well being index.

We can stop school violence.

We can stop suicide.

We can aid in healing of mental and physical health.

“Surely we can do better …”

What is stopping America from opening the educational doors for happiness science?

This very well could be a huge WIN for public health.

Happiness science could be used as preventative medicine.

Taught simply, step by step, with clarity, and ease.

This is my vision for America.

When I see America teaching it’s citizens how to be happy instead of incentivizing the ‘pursuit’, and I see 30k lives/year saved, mental & physical health statistics improve, I will be able to stop shaking my head and know our country’s politics, education, and technology are keeping up with the Jones’ in scientific breakthroughs in positive psychology.

We can do better!!!!

Would you like to contribute to this conversation?

Dr Aymee Coget

Sustainable Happiness Doctor

Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail dot com

Author of forthcoming book : Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps

www.happinessmakeover.com

Featured in July's SHAPE MAGAZINE

Featured in the July Issue of SHAPE magazine in an article called "Your perfect weekend of health", I discuss the importance of exercise and time with friends.  The article written by Jessica Migala highlights my suggestions for a happy Sunday afternoon on page 170:

*Excerpt*

2PM- GET PHYSICAL WITH FRIENDS

Spend the afternoon with your buds bike riding or bowling, suggests Aymee Coget, Ph.D. a San Francisco- based expert in positive psychology.  "Women especially benefit from bonding with loved ones, because they're inherently nurturing." she says, "And choosing to do something you love, like socializing, encourages you to seek out the positive all day long, so you wont get sucked in by the Sunday night blues later on." Being active during your meet-ups, offers a double blessing: You get a feel-good rush from being around friends, plus an extra hit of mood-lifting endorphins from the exercise...

Good Woman Stereotype is a Block to Bliss

Unhappiness comes from many things.

Some say brain chemistry.

Some say negative situations.

Some say lack of self awareness.

Some say lack of present moment awareness.

Some say lack of money.

Some say lack of faith.

Some say lack of optimism.

Some say lack of meaning or purpose.

There are so many reasons people claim to be unhappy.

I have heard it all and each unhappy person thinks they are the worst case. 

As you probably know, women tend to be more depressed more often than men. 

Statistics say double the amount!

Men tend to remain quiet about their struggle with depression and unfortunately a lot of times end up taking their own lives.

I conversed with hundreds of people about their happiness or lack there of and I have found a pattern among women.

A block to their bliss.

It is ingrained deep in the female psychology.

The desire to be a ‘Good Woman’

This pattern is based in the work of Distinguished Professor Carol Gilligan’s in feminism and identification of the self.

The good woman stereotype.

This ‘good woman’ puts everyone else’s happiness before her own.  She believes when everyone around her is happy she will be too.  Then complication sets in when day to day experiences unfold. This includes a multitude of external situations of life and how people’s emotional reactions are a roller coaster in response to them.  The good woman ties herself to any situation to ‘aid’ in the betterment of those she loves.

Little does she know her self sacrifice is actually harming the situation at hand!

This pattern among women is a barrier that must be addressed when it comes to the inability to grasp happiness from the inside; let alone sustain it.

I have heard from women all over the world from each continent tell me the same thing.

They focus on those around them instead of themselves.

Gilligan calls this the ethic of care.

Understandably so, women are care takers.  We are self sacrificial for those we love. We would throw ourselves in front of a bus for our loved ones life to be saved.

Some may argue this is a virtuous quality, yet it is highly consequential of one’s own well being.

The more we focus on those around us the less we focus on ourselves hence depression and disease ensue.

The good woman, forgets what it is like to be herself or care for herself because her servitude has become so deeply ingrained in her psyche.

This ethic of care, seems to be in the female DNA and is a culprit of a lot of misery and unhappiness in women.

Putting the good woman to the side for a moment …

The 14^th Dalai Llama encourages us  

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves.”

Dr. Gilligan verifies most women are looking outside of themselves for happiness by making those around them happy, and the Dalai Lama guides us to find peace within ourselves : an inner struggle occurs and unhappiness is the consequence.

The very idea that we can ‘make someone else happy’ is a misnomer.

Only you can become emotionally empowered.

Only you can create a frequent positive mood.

Only you can be resilient when faced with adversity.

Only you can develop deep inner contentment.

Only you can achieve states of bliss and joy.

Again, led in the wrong direction by our societal mainstream and DNA patterning.

What is the role of the good woman stereotype in depression and sustainable happiness?

PSYCHOLOGY

Esteemed gender psychologist articulates the notion of care of others over care of self.

SPIRITUALITY

World-renowned spiritual teacher guides us to create inner peace before service of others.

SCIENCE & MEDICINE

One in five women are depressed according to leading edge medical research at the Mayo Clinic.

Generation after generation, women are taught this misnomer of behaving like the good woman.

Put others before yourself.

When it comes to happiness, this is clearly a failed strategy!

I would like to propose a different path toward happiness.

One that provides emotional empowerment, a program to create frequent positive mood, practical tools for resiliency, a clear road map for contentment and quick tips to bliss.

Follow the advice of the airlines, first save yourself then save the person next to you.

When you have achieved inner happiness, it contagiously spreads up to three degrees according to Harvard research in 2008.

Instead of following the generationally taught good woman behavior of tending others before self; I want to encourage you to listen to the Dalai Llama and focus on self before others.

Happy Wife = Happy Life

Obviously you care about the happiness of those around you yet I am offering a different strategy than the good woman for better results for you and your loved ones.

Let your loved ones feel your own warmth, empowerment, positivity, resiliency, contentment and bliss through emotional contagion. Live by example.

Instead of

Forgetting yourself, sacrificing yourself, seeking to blindly fulfill impossible needs of those around you; which leaves you feeling stressed, vacuous and discontent. Consequently this behavior creates shallow relationships based on the ever-changing landscape of external reality.

Which one leads to greater states of bliss and enhanced well being of everyone involved?

Learn my 5 Steps to Sustainable Happiness and see your life and those around you uplift. See the benefits of learning how to be happy from the inside and care take those around you by offering the experience of being happy yourself.

What kind of life you can create from this place.

Bliss is no longer blocked; it is mind blowing.

Would you like to contribute to this conversation?

Dr Aymee Coget

Sustainable Happiness Doctor

Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail dot com

Author of Forthcoming Book : Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps

www.happinessmakeover.com

Sustainable Happiness: Attention Pessimists

PESSIMISM - a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen; a lack of hope or confidence in the future. A belief that this world is as bad as it could be or that evil will ultimately prevail over good.

OPTIMISM - hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something. The doctrine, especially as set forth by 17^th/18^th century German philosopher Leibniz, that this world is the best of all possible worlds.

Introducing…

REALISTIC OPTIMISM - A realistic optimist is defined as someone who looks on the bright side of life but has a realistic grasp on the present and what to expect in life.

Backlash, disbelief, disgust, false accusations, a keen dismissal, signs of anti-Pollyanna, unbelievable, out of touch with reality, insults, judgment, criticism, skeptical, point of making fun, happy idiot syndrome, impossible.

Signs of a pessimist in a conversation on happiness are highly apparent.

People have written books, articles, tv appearances all negating the positive effects positive psychology can have on someone’s life.

It is really hard to believe that America’s population is 17% optimally functioning and one in four people has a mental disorder.

So it never surprises me when I come across someone who has a hard time believing in the power of positivity.

The role of pessimism and optimism in sustainable happiness is a very important point to address.

Jinendra Swami, Messenger of Sustainable Happiness, taught me, ‘What you mind believes your body will achieve”

Dr Robert Muller, Holocaust survivor, Nobel Peace Award Nominee, Former Assistant Secretary General of the United Nations, Author of ‘Most of all they Taught me Happiness’ taught me about the power of intention.

When your intention and your beliefs align in a positive direction you are able to enhance your human experience.

During the dance of conflict in a conversation concerning sustainable happiness, I introduce the concept of realistic optimism.

A middle road of pessimism and optimism.

The main difference between the two is the notion of hope and empowerment.

Moving from hopeless to hopeful is a dynamic shift in your psychology.  One I have experienced multiple times.

When people have given up hope on traditional methods of feeling better, they are hopeless and pessimistic.

When discovering a sustainable happiness doctor or positive psychology, a lot of times, people cloud the experience with a projection that ‘this will never work’, ‘I’m your worst client’, ‘nothing works for me’

Encountering this mindset over and over, I see change.  I see results. I see hope when there was no hope.  I see happiness when there was depression.

In 2007, researchers at NYU discovered the optimism center of your brain. This point in the brain can be a cause of depression if not exercised. 

Here is a brain image: showing greater activity in brain’s rostral anterior cingulate cortex, 
TOP, and amygdala, BOTTOM, when subjects imagined positive future events.

So when sitting down with a pessimist, I ask…

What is your positive to negative thought ratio?

Usually the answer is tipped in the negative direction.

I use this as a ‘fact’ to show the pessimist that no matter what the topic may be, albeit happiness, marriage, business, etc, because of the skewed way of thinking then I am up against the general negative thinking ratio before I open my mouth.

This is a confronting experience for some as thinking of putting their thought habits in a ratio form is something new.

So I ask you…

What is your positive to negative thought ratio?

Is it what you want it to be?

How often are you feeling bad vs feeling good?

Do you want to change this thought ratio?

When learning the 5 steps to sustainable happiness this is a skill developed in steps two and three: positive mood and resiliency.

Realistic Optimism is key for your sustainable happiness.

Paying attention to developing your own optimism is essential for you to feel better now.

Listen to the discussion I have with @frandrescher about Realistic Optimism

Do you want to contribute to this conversation?

Dr Aymee Coget

Sustainable Happiness Doctor

Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail dot com

Author of Forthcoming book – Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps 
www.happinessmakeover.com