This is one of the hardest
spiritual concepts for us all to grasp. It is a demon a lot of us
would rather ignore and keep in our shadow.
It is much easier to hold
on to resentment than it is to forgive someone.
We hear about the people
who are able to forgive their assailants, murderers, rapists and more.
Women turned Buddhist monks
visit jails and tell their stories of how being brutally gang raped for years
in underground cells led them to a path of forgiveness.
Parents forgive the
murderers of their children.
Kids forgive their name
callers.
Married spouses forgive an
affair.
Are these people Saints?
What makes them able to
forgive and most of us hold on to resentments?
Every day you have a choice
to hold a grudge, let go of a resentment and embrace forgiveness as a path to
peace.
Feelings of anger, rage,
resentment, frustration, disappointment, victimization, and sadness.
Or
Feelings of peace,
serenity, tranquility, faith, hope and a touch of realistic optimism.
Which would you prefer?
Before I learned about
positive psychology, forgiveness seemed like an enigmatic blob almost as big as
happiness.
Now, I look to the
happiness work of Dr Walter
Jacobson a Los Angeles based Psychiatrist and Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky, an esteemed
happiness researcher at University of California at Riverside to guide the
process of forgiveness.
Dr Jacobson, author of the
award winning book Forgive
to Win, discusses a two step process of forgiveness:
Step one: recognize anger
hurts and forgiveness heals. Recognize there are no advantages to unforgiveness
and tremendous advantages to forgiveness. Recognize when you withhold
forgiveness from others you are withholding forgiveness from yourself therefore
keeping yourself in an emotional prison of victimhood and anger. Recognize when
you forgive others you are forgiving yourself hence releasing yourself from
guild, shame, and self-loathing which cause self sabotaging behaviors which get
in the way of your happiness.
Step two : Once you
understand fully forgiveness benefits you more than anybody else it is a matter
of letting go of resentments and grievances and judgments and other angry
attach thoughts as soon as they enter your mind replacing them with thoughts of
acceptance forgiveness and love. When the angry judgmental unforgiving thoughts
reenter your mind, you again stop those thoughts and replace them with thoughts
of forgiveness, acceptance and love. The more you do this the easier it becomes
as your replace the habit of thinking negatively with the habit of thinking
positively and lovingly.
Dr Jacobson really drives
home the concept of forgiveness of self is really the benefit of forgiveness of
others.
Dr Lyubomirsky, offers a 8
step process of forgiveness in her book The How of Happiness.
1. Appreciate being
forgiven – Recall a time where you were forgiven.
2. Imagine forgiveness –
Imagine granting the offender forgiveness.
3. Write a letter of
forgiveness – This aids in letting go of anger bitterness and blame.
4. Practice Empathy – Focus
on achieving understanding concern and consideration of the other persons
perspective.
5. Consider charitable
attributions – Write an apology letter to yourself from the transgressor, what
would you like to hear?
6. Ruminate less – Stop
obsessing over the incident and live in the moment
7. Make contact - Send
your forgiveness letter or simply offer kindness to the person you privately
forgave.
8. Remind yourself -
Nelson Mandela was asked how he could forgive his jailers, he replied with
“When I walked out of the gate I knew that if I continued to hate these people
I was still in prison.”
Forgiveness is a powerful
and essential component of sustainable happiness.
Without building the
ability to forgive as an emotional and social skill, sustainable happiness will
only be a dream.
Each person is faced with a
challenge in life where forgiveness is the only answer.
In this situation, the only
way out of suffering is through….
Through forgiveness will
come peace, serenity, tranquility and sustainable happiness.
Spend the time developing
this skill.
Would you like to join this
conversation?
Dr Aymee Coget
Sustainable Happiness
Expert
Author of Forthcoming
Book Sustainable Happiness in 5 Steps
Sfhappinessdoctor at gmail
dot com
